Euphoria
by PushTheButtton
Summary: She doesn't feel his arm slip around her in a cocoon of resilience they've always been known to have, nor does she hear the simple-pained whisper from his soft lips.


**_This is just a something I came up for "Her Negotiation". Of course I have no idea what's going to happen, so this is all my imagination. And I was bored._ lol.**

The faint golden aura of streetlights seep through the sheer curtains hanging loosely against her apartment window. The small slit at the bottom allows a swift breeze to cascade about the darkened room allowing the sheath material to dance about in loose waves.

The night drones in its weary torrent of cars and taxis sashaying down the streets of Manhattan. Time marches on as the clock above the picture of her and Serena breathes new life into a new hour.

Midnight.

Olivia sits on the corner of her sofa, her head nestled into the crack between the cushion and the arm. Her knees arch in front of her and her palms lay limp beside her hips. The familiarity of being so intertwined amongst the flailing curtains causes a deep seeded breath of knowing to escape from her partially opened lips.

Other than the thoughts flowing through her mind, she's still, the whirlwind of late April air flowing through her living room is nothing compared to the billowy clouds draping themselves around her resolve.

Inside the confines of her apartment she feels warm and content with the Spring air sifting through her dark bangs. Her fingers ache from the grip she'd had on her gun earlier.

She had been close to losing everything. Inches away from being tossed into an unforgiving blackness. She had faced off with a sociopath, non sympathetic, egotistical rapist.

Inside, inside she feels safe. But out there it's different. Outside, she had felt vulnerable for the first time in close to five years. It's a feeling she hadn't wanted to feel ever again in her life. The simplistic view that if she made one wrong move, it would be the end of her because she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of herself in those shoes again.

A single tear rolls down her cheek and she doesn't blink. She hasn't talked to anyone since Cragen walked in, gun drawn, her own captain, aiming and absolving all her worry in one shot.

She feels restless. Her superior had to save her and the thought makes her weak in the knees. Has she really gone that far out of reach of her own abilities? She had refused to talk about it, and stormed out of the precinct and threw herself under the scolding hot water of her own shower.

Brian hasn't called her since the news broke out about the hostage situation in which she was less than 20 feet from the perp for over 15 hours. And it really doesn't surprise her. She doesn't know what she expected but it wasn't unfounded sympathy from him. He's different now just like her. If she's honest with herself, it's not worth the silence right now trying to explain when she doesn't even want to acknowledge her failures tonight.

They may have gotten him, but it didn't stop him from assaulting a woman right in front of Olivia's eyes and no one can bring her from the depth of that darkness right now nor does she want them too. It's something she needs to do herself.

Taking a deep breath, her eyes slip closed for only a few moments before a loud car horn startles her from her thoughts, ones where she thinks about taking a couple of sleeping pills and sleeping for the next day or two before seeing Huang about the incident. At least he's back in town for awhile. One of the few good things. Familiarity.

She turns her head to the right and picks up her badge and gun from the table next to the couch and slips herself off of the cushions. Walking toward her bedroom, she slips towards the window and eases it completely closed before heading to her bedroom. As she starts to put her gun and holster in her beside drawer, the faintest of sounds filters into her ears.

At this point, she's not even sure she actually heard anything but as she starts to slip down her covers, she hears it again._ Thump, thump, thump._

The heavy thumps of flesh on wood sends chills up and down her arms. She doesn't want to get into exactly why the cadence of each thump feels so familiar.

Now that she thinks about it, she did turn off her cell phone as soon as she stepped through her door so she guesses it's probably one of her coworkers or possibly Cassidy. It really wouldn't surprise her at all if it were one of them after all.

She doesn't want to answer it. Maybe if she pretends she's not home or if they think she's in deep sleep they'll leave her alone for tonight at least. She doesn't want to deal with it. Any of it.

Closing her eyes, she hears it again after a few heartbeats._ Thump, thump, thump…. thump.  
_

They're a little more urgent now but the pressure and weight of each knock doesn't get any louder. She wonders why. Maybe they're not even sure they want to knock. It seems as if they're testing the wood to pretend they hadn't knocked at all if they think there's a possibility she hadn't heard it.

She closes her eyes as she pretends to be somewhere else. A bar maybe, a hotel, anywhere but here. Too many people know about here. Maybe a small beach somewhere. Her thoughts drift slightly but soon they drift to the day that she had had, to the blood, the smell, the gunpowder, the body odor, the chills, and immediately her eyes bolt open when she hears one loud clank of something that sounds small and metallic against the door, then nothing.

Nothing.

She thinks she hears faint footsteps fading away and she's not sure why this disappoints her. It's what she had wanted only moments before. To be left to her solitude.

To be left with herself. No one can be let into this cocoon she's made until she's figured things out herself.

Right then, she decides yes to the sleeping pills. Opening her night stand, she gathers her bed sheets and pulls them down as she takes two of the pills dry. She slips under the covers and turns her back away from the door and tries to forget.

In minutes she is so ensconced in the idea of darkness, reprieve, sleep, forgetting, that she starts to drift off and doesn't even register the faint buzzing of her clock. Or the creaking of her building settling, the moan of the floor boards, the distant traffic outside her window, the whistling of the wind slivering its way inside her window, the jingling of a single key, the rattle of a single lock, the footsteps of a simple shoe, the chafing of a simple grey hooded jacket nor the faint sniffle of a lost man as he stands and watches her drift off into a dark abyss.

She doesn't hear it at all nor does she hear the fabric of her bedspread being pull back or the sound of his shoes being slipped off, or the sound of the bed springs as he lies down behind her.

Her life flashes behind her eyelids as an artificial euphoria takes a hold of her mind and allows the outside world to twirl on and on without interruption.

She doesn't feel the warmth of his body, nor the way his breath tickles the hairs on the back of her neck nor the way his long sleeve t-shirt rubs against the plane of her tank top covered stomach. She doesn't feel his arm slip around her in a cocoon of resilience they've been known to have for forever, nor does she hear the simple-pained whisper from his soft lips.

"I'm here. I heard about everything. I've got you. I've always been here."

And although she can't hear him, she loses herself in his voice anyways, the feel of his body and warmth seep into her dreams and fade the darkness into a beautiful scenery and she's on that beach. The wind blows and his smell drifts to her nose and it's him. She knows this smell.

It's always been there. And even though she can't feel him, she senses him and now she can rest peacefully. Because when she wakes up, she'll still smell him and that's the most sincere and comfortable thing she's ever known.

_I've always known that. I can feel you. And thank you._

_Elliot.  
_

_**finis**  
_


End file.
